Remedy
by sue-sylvester-shuffle
Summary: "She looked very similar the day he found her, dead, in Godric's Hollow. Lying on the ground, although now she looked more crumpled and exuded less of the freedom that he had always admired and loved about her."


He remembered lying on the grass with her.

Lily Evans was in a rare state of stillness, her hair pooling around her like a curly, ginger puddle. Her brilliant leaf-green eyes had been glued to the tranquil blue sky above her, but as he lay with her, she turned her head to the left to glance at him.

Severus Snape was lying huddled and cramped, unable to breathe with Lily's left arm pressed against his right one. He was afraid that if he made any sort of tiny movement, she'd leave. It was stupid and irrational and Severus knew it, but he had been abandoned for far worse reasons and he wasn't taking any chances this time.

"Look, Sev." Lily said, raising her right arm straight up in the air, pointing at the sky like an arrow. "Aren't those clouds pretty?"

"Yes, I suppose." Severus replied quietly. He had never looked at clouds before, but he clung to every word that Lily said. Squinting against the harsh sunlight, he took in the clouds that drifted lazily along the breeze. They were huge, puffy, and white. _Like pillows, _thought Severus. They were like pillows. And pillows weren't pretty.

What _was _pretty, anyway? His mother, Eileen, who was thin and grey after years of stress and abuse? No. Severus was disgusted by his mother. Why hadn't she left his father, Tobias, an abusive asshole? She would have brought him away. And then _he _would have been free.

No, Eileen was not pretty. Pillows were not pretty. But Lily was pretty.

Lily Evans was very pretty, at least to Severus. He liked how thick her curly, red hair was and how it fell just past her shoulders. He liked her pale skin and how her freckles stuck out like little red constellations, as if her face was a galaxy of its own. He liked how her face was round and she wasn't stick-thin like his mother- and like himself. But most of all, she was pretty inside and outside- she was his angel, his shining saviour… one smiling face in a sea of loneliness, depression, and hands ready to strike out at him.

Lily was pretty. The pillow clouds were not pretty. But he did not dare tell Lily that he didn't think they were pretty. She would leave him alone; he knew she would.

"Are you okay, Sev?" asked Lily suddenly, looking concerned. "You got all weird for a minute."

"Oh… I'm fine." Severus reassured her. "Don't worry about me."

"Good." A smile spread across Lily's face, and she seemed to relax.

Severus relaxed a bit, too, but not enough to make a difference.

xXx

She looked very similar the day he found her, dead, in Godric's Hollow. Lying on the ground, although now she looked more crumpled and exuded less of the freedom that he had always admired and loved about her. Her hair was shorter now- she'd cut it as an adult, freeing it from baby Harry's prying fingers- but it was still long enough that it spread under her, just as it had done that day in the grass. Again, her eyes were glued to the sky- but they were blank now, lacking the brilliance that had captured his heart more than once. But the biggest difference of all was that when Severus knelt down beside her and whispered her name, she didn't look over at him. No sidelong glances or warm smiles. And when he reached out gingerly and took one of her hands into his own, she was cold.

Severus felt tears run down his cheeks. As a child, he'd always been so afraid that Lily would leave him- and even when he'd lost her trust and her friendship by calling her the 'M' word, there had always been a little part of him that felt she had never really left him. And although he had felt like he did not deserve her forgiveness _or _her friendship, he knew that he needed it, so he hung onto it.

But there was no denying it now, not with Lily's prone, lifeless form in front of him. She had left him then- and she had left him now, too. This time, there was no doubt in his mind of it. She was gone. Severus had to accept that.

However, unsurprisingly, he couldn't. As he picked up Lily's body and held it in his arms, squeezing her tightly, Severus wept. He wept not only for Lily, but for himself, as well. He knew it was selfish and wrong and he hated himself for it, but he could not help it. The only _real _friend- someone who had made him feel good about himself, not like the Slytherin boys he had hung around with- he ever had was gone.

And not for the first time, or the last time, Severus felt broken. He had no idea what to do anymore. Part of him wanted to die, to rid himself of the guilt and anger and fear and sadness he felt, but that wouldn't do anyone any good. It was his fault that Lily had died- now it was his turn to remedy that.


End file.
